Monthly Archives: October 2010

Confessions

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Well, here I am at the keyboard again… I need to confess to you that I felt too exposed the last three months to tell you anything about anything. It was the beginning of a new relationship, and I was so fearful. I couldn’t bare myself (or bear myself?). The emotional nakedness and intimacy was excruciating, terrifying, numbing even perhaps?

So rather than share all the interesting-exciting-wonderful-amazing-feelings and connections, I held them in. All my hopes too. My heart has been around the block a few times, and I was too fearful to let them out to anyone- him, you, even me. God knew my hopes and desires of my heart, but only from quiet middle-of- the-night whispers.

So, lucky you! Now that the relationship has ended (or at the least gone to the depths of the ocean in hibernation for months or forever), I am back sharing my fear, disappointment, loneliness, and frustrations- all the lovelies of single parents. I know you will also watch me move towards courage, strength, wisdom, and faith in God’s plan for me. We all get discouraged when it feels like we have failed at something. And we all get up again.

I swore off dating, and have done so often, but only for 2 weeks at a time… I am mysteriously compelled towards relationship, connection, and sharing. I ignore what Paul told the Corinthians about staying single if you are single. My heart wants companionship and intimacy.

“The life you clutch, hoard, guard, and play safe with is in the end a life worth little to anybody, including yourself. Only a life given away for love’s sake is a life worth living.” Frederick Buechner

I have no idea what God’s plan for my heart is, but I want a deep, lasting, intimate, growing love relationship. I have been asking God to help me prepare and find the appropriate partner for my heart and for my children’s hearts… for years now. I guess I need a lot of preparation!

I don’t know what God’s will for me is. I stopped praying for knowledge or understanding of God’s will. I just ask him to help me DO IT. (Can you tell, I am a little weary of this “preparation phase”?)

I understand so little these days. I think as I age, my brains are leaking out my ears each night onto my pillow. I knew everything when I got married at 24: dishes, dresses, rings, cookbooks, babies, his career, and our finances. I was an expert at it all. I had no idea what was in store for me (luckily)!!

Now I readily admit that I don’t understand my life or anyone else’s. I am convinced I will never understand God’s will or purpose for my life. So I cut to the chase and ask God to just help me DO his will.

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

Blessings to you today.