I cannot save myself, but I can save him from the brain damage.
It was unprecedented. Two men asked me out this week. Handsome, appealing men, not alcoholic, and with jobs even! Another man, while not asking me out, was very attentive and charming on emails and text, for a while there anyway. I was attracted to them all. I crave adult male company and I want a partner in my life. I would love to go to dinner and share an evening of adult conversation…
But I want to sidestep them all and ignore the calls, texts, and invites even more.
You see, I am convinced this morning that if I’m not going to get married, I should not become attached. If I’m not intending to attach or share my heart with a man, I should not become accustomed to his company. If I don’t want to get used to his company (can you hear the “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” story here?), I shouldn’t date him, kiss him, spend time with him, or share any secrets with him.
I am Not Marriage Material (NMM).
When I write checks, I often forget to write them down. I’ve tried giving up writing them altogether, but somehow they find me again, pen in hand. I am really terrible with checking accounts. Really terrible.
I cannot be on time. I try, really. I have lost dear sweet friends as a result of my inability to properly manage time. Why would I invite anyone into this mess? I would be inviting shame and turmoil and pain as well.
I am sweet and kind (usually), and I have been told by more than my 9th grade boyfriend Tommy that I am a good kisser. However, numbers are a problem for me despite a Master’s degree and 5 years of experience teaching high school math.
“Her many sins have been forgiven, for she loved much.”
Does that really apply here? Is there really hope I could work harder, be more diligent, master money and time, and be forgiven for my many numbers-related transgressions? Honestly, I picked that verse out of the blue and completely out of its context, so I have no idea if it applies to me. It sure sounds good.
The number that is the biggest contributor to this NMM label is of course 2:
-2 children I love very much, more than the air I breathe. How could I consider bringing anyone into their lives that could potentially hurt them, even with something as innocuous as his presence and absence in my life?
-2 marriages failed. I’m in a very special, elite club of folks and don’t want to become a member of an ever MORE elite club.
-2 people. Only. Together for better or worse. Daunting, terrifying, inspiring, magnifying, electrifying, amazing, astounding and magnetizing.
The last word, “magnetizing” is key. I’m drawn in anyway, like a moth to a flame. Where did I put my phone?