Monthly Archives: April 2011

Thinking of Thinking of Dating

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I am thinking of dating again. Or maybe I am thinking of thinking of dating. If you read my blog entries, you know I go back and forth quite a bit, considering letting a man into my heart, of sharing space in my and my children’s life with a potential partner. Then I flip back and decide to wait longer before dipping my toe in the water of relationships (I don’t have men clamoring at my door, so it really is not that hard to wait).

I do wonder though what it would be like to kiss someone, because I really don’t remember what it feels like; it has been sooo long.

But then just as I get halfway into the daydream of kissing someone I might care about, the fear grips me, and I remember the disasters I have dated. I also remember the Bonkers Girl whom I turn into when I fall out of balance and start consuming male attention like a bulimic on an Oreo binge.

It would be safer, wouldn’t it, if I became the Tin (Wo)Man, and sealed my heart away from relationships and those potential disasters. Cheaper too- think of all that money I am saving from bikini waxes, pedicures, child care, and lingerie. And I get a lot more work done at the office not distracted texting someone and making romantic date plans.

“We are all born for love…It is the principle of existence, and its only end.”
— Benjamin Disraeli

Then, just as I become content with my nun’s life, I get confronted with quotes like THIS, sent to me from Rachel Rubin’s Happiness Project daily emails (April 24, 2011).

Of course my mind goes to romantic love as the be-all, end-all “principle of existence”. If I don’t have it… Goodness, I must be missing something as crucial as my teeth. When I read those quotes, I feel like the bridesmaid, the odd woman out on Valentines Day, the one who is looking in on life from a 1-way mirror. Am I really missing out on the “principle of existence”, life’s “only end”?! Well, if this is true, that sucks bigtime.

To get out of this sucky conundrum, I decide to think the love we are “born for” can be defined more liberally than the kissing in the rain/sex on the beach/hand holding on our way to dinner/doing life together romantic love. I am also born to love my children, my friends, my neighbors, my girlfriends, my Earth, my life, my dog, and my God. Surely those are all worthy recipients of my love.

For now anyway… until my heart is ready to leave its tin casing.

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Old Ham and the Beautiful We Have Within

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“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is so easy to forget that we need to make our lives and ourselves beautiful. I can get so rushed and frantic that I forget to brush my hair, put dinner on plates that don’t have cracks and chips, and remind my kids I love them dearly with a heart-felt hug each and every day.

Rather than looking for beauty on the outside, and wondering why I have zits on my chin, I am hoping today to notice the tulips blooming outside my office front door, to smile at myself in the mirror, and to relish the loving relationships I have.

I think this could also be thought of as bringing Easter with us. The ham smells gross this morning after, and I have a headache from the chocolates. But the promise of the resurrection is that God is with us, always will be, and the best is yet to come. When I bring that promise with me, beauty is with me too.

Divine Timing: The Bulldozer vs. Zen-Anne

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I am about as patient as a backwards bulldozer on a steep incline to a rushing river. I don’t want to wait. I want it now. Actually, yesterday would be better.

“All in good time”
“God only gives us what we can handle”
“God’s timing is always perfect”

Those aren’t my favorite slogans. They are annoying, not comforting to me on all but my best and most infrequent zen-Anne days. I am writing this blog in hopes of finding some patience and peace with divine timing by the time I reach the bottom of the page…

I come by this instinct honestly. My father is a retired surgeon. Thorughout his very successful professional life, he took the approach that if it needed fixing, you better go in, grab it, and sew it back up as fast as you can to minimize cancer spreading, further damage, and possibilities for collateral damage from internal bleeding. So I do the same thing when I see something that needs fixing. I don’t want to wait. I was not trained to wait.

But God’s timing is better than mine. If I could stop surgically altering my life with my tendency to make grand swoops of the scalpel on friendships, kids’ decisions to ignore my direction, budding relationships, and work issues, I might actually let go and let God work his miracles on them. Becasue when I think I am using a careful scalpel to fix things, it often turns out to be just a misplaced butter knife.

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I wrote the above paragraphs 2 weeks ago, in hopes of writing myself into a patient place with God’s timing by the time I got to the end of the blog entry. I know you are shocked; it didn’t happen. I instead stewed about what to write and how to find the answers that meant something important and could show you how patient we can all be with God’s timing. So today, on Good Friday eve, I have decided it might be interesting to be here with you, in my turmoil, to let God’s timing work on my blog entry as well.

On the eve of Jesus’ crucifixtion, his disciples were not happy with his predictions. They didn’t want to believe that he would be taken from them, that he would suffer, and they argued with Jesus about it. They wanted a different way out of God’s plan.

I argue with God quite a bit too, (over obviously much pettier issues) because I want it easier, I want the amazing blessings, and I want them NOW, not in God’s time on God’s plan. But it is God’s plan, after all. And his plan on the eve of Good Friday looked pretty sucky to the disciples. They were being told they would lose their dearest friend, teacher, comforter, savior. And not only would they lose him, but they would be part of the betrayal. That is certainly a sucky prospect to ponder. They had no idea God was sacrificing his son to save all of us. We had no idea the amazing blessing behind the pain and turmoil.

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The New Math- How We Are Able to Remain Young

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I have 2 teenage kids. A friend of mine has a grandkid. But I am sure I am only 25 years old. My dear friend Frances and I had lunch the other day, trying to figure out the math. We met in 7th grade Home Economics class- she was reading a dictionary and knew how to sew in zippers already. We have known each other a long time; she was in both of my weddings, and we snuck out of Church camp together in high school. I am pretty sure I met her somewhere around 10 years ago. I think we need the New Math, or Quantum Physics to make sense of it.

There are a few more things we could not figure out:

I showed her a milk chocolate stain on my neck and right hand that I can’t seem to clean off. We thought maybe it is stray eyeliner instead?

The fact that we both have metallic highlights at our temples and blonder eyebrows now. We are saving a ton of money on highlights (but choose to do low lights these days, because we are sooo very hip).

When my kid says “Those are so 90’s mom” (about my pants that button above my belly button, not 8 inches below), I am confused. What year is it? I just wrote 1999 on a check the other year, didn’t I?

I’m getting together with some old friends from junior high and high school next month, sort of a reunion. I keep imaginging them as I knew them back then- Frances wore her hair short and brown, Brad wore aviator glasses and Levis, Kelly had a brown flip hairstyle. Carrie and Gail wore Izod shirts and monogrammed sweaters. We won’t look any different, will we?