Monthly Archives: May 2011

Blind Date Brain Prep

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Ok, tell me the steps to prepping for a blind date! I know the most important one is to have low expectations…

I have done match.com, have dated my best friend’s brother, my daughter’s best friend’s father, my coworker, and a few others. I have done very little of the ‘set-up’ thing. I guess it is time.

I told the setter-upper to give me a week to prep before she gives him my number… that is probably too long. This blind man is tall and French. I am short and midwestern. By the time a week goes by, I will have analyzed a person to death that I have not even met yet. 

I should imitate my dog when he takes the loaf of bread on the counter: grab it, devour it, feel guilty for a minute if it wasn’t right, but then move on to the couch to sleep it off.

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That Yucky Almost-birthday Feeling

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Well, I practiced with the shoes for next weekend finally today, and my daughter got lost in the grocery store. When she found me, she said “Mom, I didn’t recognize you, you look so pretty today!” Is she used to me melting in with the customers at Wal-Mart or what?!?

I got may nails done for my birthday tomorrow, but I have been working most of the day in the office, and my nose is starting to run and I am feeling like the 3 ice teas at lunch are taking a toll on my energy. I had my eyebrows waxed, and they are still red. My chin is breaking out. I’m thinking tomorrow is not going to be a really glamorous day…

It is taking a lot of wrist-rubber band snapping/praying today on the starving orphans in India/Africa to get off of the poor-me mentality (see comments from this post: https://3leggedtable.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/anger-squared-part-2/). I am just not feeling it for 46 years old. Blech. Not a cute number at all. 41 is cute and sexy. 38 is darling. 44 is smart and wise and together. But 46?!? What kind of an age is THAT?!

It is almost 6 pm. I might be able to redeem my feelings about my birthday tomorrow if I
1) eat an apple and banana for dinner and save the doughnuts for breakfast;
2) google starving orphans photos so that I feel better about my own kids I abandoned for the weekend of work (and pray for them);
3) do not give my mom the usual Sunday night phone call;
4) drink lots of water and meditate on the”inner beauty and wisdom” I have found this past year (really?!?);
5) remind myself that my hormones change about every 8 hours, so I will feel different when I wake up in the morning; and
6) finish my work so that I can go home and take my daughter back to Wal-Mart with me

Anger Squared Part 2

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I woke up feeling alarmingly pathetic today. It really didn’t feel good. I was even whining during my morning prayer (“God, could you PLEASE just send me my partner, NOW. I am tired of this growth phase BS”).

I decided it was the ashes of the anger and resentment I have been working on letting go. Naming it differently didn’t change the self-pity all that much though.

I decided to (or, I got the urgent message to) get out of my own head, and away from me-me-me by praying for others, because after all, I live in a developed nation, have health care, and a few dollar bills (very few, but still a few) in my pocket. I am better off than most of the people in the world (like 95%??!? Someone out there knows that number). Yes, I have things to complain about- my mom has no clue how hard I work and makes comments about my life that grate on my spine, my CC is not catching on to the communication thing, my teenagers STILL leaves plates and cups all over the house, I have 2 gfs now with more than their share of boyfriends, and the ants in my bathroom keep on coming… But I don’t want to be there. I want to be enjoying life and the green grass and trees rather than complaining about the rain.

So I decided to spread my love, energy, and prayers to everyone I can think of today. I prayed for my mom*, my ex-husbands, my teenagers, my gf with too many boyfriends, the CC, and everyone else I could think of, all morning long. It only took about 10 minutes for my attitude to change. By the time I got to work I was smiling at everyone, understanding why my son was late to breakfast, opening doors for people, and practically singing. The admin lady even smiled at me when I walked in.

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If we are going to stay in our content places, which for me, is that grateful place, where I feel powerfully kind and loving, not pathetic and whiney,we need to work at it. It won’t magically arrive. We need to leave the poor-pitiful-me behind; shell out the prayers and gifts to others.

* I had to laugh at myself, because I had not thought of praying for my mom in quite a while. And yet I complain about my children not being thoughtful of others (aka, me). Ha!

Anger Squared

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“Resentment is anger over time”. Says David Jeremiah in Slaying the Giants Within.

I was feeling very self-righteous, having mostly disposed of and therapied away my anger and resentment at my ex husbands. Occasionally it still pops up, but I don’t dwell on it or anything that happened.

But every morning, on my run, I would yhink of how angry I was at my boss for shortening a deadline on me by 25%. I was indignant, irritated, annoyed, and felt awful about myself that I couldn’t meet his expectations. But I just tried to suck it up, thinking I could compartmentalize it, work as hard as I could while children slept, and everything would be fine.

But it wasn’t fine at all! I was angry at other people, sarcastic, crabby, had high unkind expectations, and didn’t take kindly to jokes… I was unable to compartmentalize my anger, and it grew in my belly unchecked but more like mold than a volcano.

I had to have a nuclear meltdown before I realized I needed to stand up for myself and explain that his expectations would not be met.

We cannot compartmentalize our anger or resentment, it molds and grows and festers over to our other relatonships.

Maybe this is why when we love one person, our other relationships benefit as well by all the spread of good feelings…

Getting Nervous…

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The high school reunion is now less than 2 weeks away… I have only seen 2 of them in the last 8 years, and Brad for only 1 hour. I have not measured up to MY dreams as a high school girl working hard to go to a good college, to get a good job, to marry a good man, to have beautiful children and a house with a garden and leather furniture.

I DID go to a good college, and I DID get a good job. I did NOT marry a great man, either time. I DO have a garden, but the leather furniture is ratty now.

Mostly, I DO have beautiful children, whom I am very proud of, and impressed by on a daily basis (yes, sometimes I am impressed with his arguing skills). Life isn’t what I thought it would be in high school, not at all. Some days I am amazed at how tiring and BORING it is to be a single parent in charge full time of the taxi, ATM, refridgerator, and laundry. Other days, I am impressed with God’s blessings on me and my family.

I had to sit myself down the other day and remind myself that none of the 8 of us had our dreams come true. We all are a little perplexed and can feel disappointed: his marriage to his HS Sweetheart didn’t work, she didn’t become a famous actress, he didn’t become the sales mega-dude that he wanted to become, his marriage didn’t work and he misses his children now, etc. etc. BUT- we each gained something we never expected. I can tell that, from just our quick emails back and forth while planning. I am looking forward to hearing about the blessings that DID come through, the amazing gifts from life that were unexpected when we were naive 17 year olds.

We are going to have 3 whole days without children or spouses to catch up, drink, socialize, laugh, and tell our stories. I can’t wait. I am going out tonight in my new shoes, to practice walking in them, to practice socializing with adults, and to remember how to laugh between 9 pm and midnight. Usually I spend those hours urging teenagers to go to bed. I can’t wait.

Blaming and Examples: Lessons from My Daughter

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“Wherein you reprove another, be unblameable yourself; for example is more prevalent than precepts.”
— George Washington

I was 0 and 0 yesterday. I didn’t set a good example, AND I blamed others. You can read all about it here: https://3leggedtable.wordpress.com/2011/05/04/grumpy-and-annoyed-will-lead-to-a-miracle-really/

Luckily, my daughter pulled me back to reality. I left work late (due to the PB meeting and my subsequent pacing) for a track meet my kids were running in. I then drove to the wrong high school and stood there for a long time, wondering where our team of 250 students was hiding before I realized my mistake (which I blamed on others- the handout must have been wrong!). When I arrived at the correct track meet, they were just lining up for the mile race- 25 middle school girls stood all helter-skelter at the starting line. I took a picture, waved, tried to get my daughter to notice me (as if that makes a difference?!). The gun went off, the hoard of girls took off, and a little one fell. I shouted “Go Ella!” as loudly as possible.

My daughter didn’t go though. Everyone else went. But Ella stopped, petted the girl on her back, and stood there while she got up from the track. The racers were all called back to restart, and I crawled into a hole of embarrassment at my behavior.

Later at bedtime I told her I was impressed with her decision to stop. She laughed at me and said “Of course, what else would I do?!”

Grumpy and Annoyed Will Lead to a Miracle?! Really?!

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Grumpy, irritated, tired, and resentful. That is me today. I am annoyed too. My current crush (CC) is not getting the point that I like, enjoy, and respond really well to daily contact that he needs to initiate half the time or more. I am afraid of his rejection. His power play about our communication is not making me like him more; it is pissing me off and inspiring me to delete all of my saved text messages and voice mails as well as his contact information (I know I can be a little drastic). I am so ready to tell him to forget it all despite a fabulous phone conversation 3 days ago.

More immediately and in my face, I have to work with the Princess Bitch (PB) in the office today. I am not looking forward to it. We have to sit down together in a room and talk over something she is going to be very defensive about, and likely will find a way to put me down and wave her long fingernails at me and her work as if she is the Princess of all. I will have to focus very hard on breathing and that professionalism concept…

I didn’t get enough sleep this past week. And I am feeling a little pushed to do more than I am capable of. Can you tell?!

Here is my gratitude list for today:
1. My meeting with PB is not until this afternoon
2. I have not bitten anyone’s head off (yet) today
3. I did not badger my children this morning and we had a nice breakfast together
4. I have not cried in a) my boss’ office, b)my office, c)in public, d)yet today
5. **I can pray and ask God to turn this fear of rejection into a miracle of communication with CC and PB.

God- Please give me perspective, grace, and divine timing for these 2 important communication pieces on my plate. Help me to trust that you could actually turn these 2 situations into miracles of some sort. Oh yeah, according to other blogs I have written, I am supposed to Be the Grace. I will work on that… but you could help me with that too? I am feeling really skeptical about all this…

Please help me to be patient while I figure out how to trust you again. In the meantime, I am going to go eat a bunch of chocolate and find a tranquilizer.