Monthly Archives: December 2011

Pity Party Invite for You


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I haven’t written a post in forever: moved, got busy at work, the computer at home is moved, can’t find my socks yet, etc.  But this post by Soon to be Divorced Dad inspired me:  (I don’t know yet how to link, and need to find my socks and my extra checks before I learn…)

This is a party I have been at for a long time, hogging the dance floor and spinach dip, so I thought I would invite you to come along as well!

I am just trying to go on a date with CG tomorrow night.  But in order to do so, I have to organize my and 4 others’ lives down to the level of synchronicity you would think it were a space shuttle launch (no, we are not having sex yet.  So you can drop the analogy there) .

1.  In order for me to be available by Thursday at 5:30 pm as requested, I need to get my work done for the day at a reasonable time, and be sure to eat lunch so that I am not a frantic wreck by 8:15 pm (that is what happened the 1st time we went out, I skipped lunch and was a basket case).

2.  I need to be sure that my 14-yr old daughter does her homework after school, so that she is available to go to a band concert with a friend for the evening.  That will involve a few phone calls and reminders tomorrow afternoon.

3.  I need to get my 15-year old son picked up from wrestling practice by 5:45 and procure dinner for him and my daughter.  You would think these kids are old enough to manage it themselves.  However, I assumed that once, and came home to 3 empty (jumbo) bags of Halloween candy disguised as dinner remains.  As SD said, they are large people, but teenagers seem to have the IQ of raisins when it comes to eating healthy, going to bed rather than staying on Facebook until the sun rises, cleaning up after themselves, doing homework, etc. without incredible oversight (preferably by deaf people who cannot hear their sighs, mutters, and moans of not being able to fit another dish in the dishwasher). And now(!) my sweet girl has this fetish with the TV show Criminal Minds- a disgusting show about demented crimes that she has been told 59 times not to watch without me in the room.  So that needs monitoring as well.

4.  So- I will order pizza to be delivered and pay for it ahead of time with my credit card.  I have a Algebra tutoring appointment for my son from 7-9 pm.  So- the tutor needs to be able to pick him up and drop him off afterwards.  Then son needs to be motivated to do his OTHER homework, which doesn’t include Halo on his laptop- I need to remind ex-room mate to do that, somehow.   Dog needs to get fed and outside somehow so that he doesn’t knock over the trash can for the 17th time in the middle of the night.  Both kids will have my ex-room mate stay with them until they physically get into their beds and she turns the lights out before 10 pm. 

5. I need them all to *believe* I will be home “around midnight” so that I can just relax and stay as long as I want and they won’t think I am a trashy mom for perhaps spending the night there.

6.  I need to be sure to have the tutor payment arranged, as the tall boy with a riasin for his brain cannot be trusted to actually tender the check- I would more likely find it in the dryer next week.

7.  Of course, it is Christmas, and I need to be sure that I have the right credit card for pizza payment, bc I have not been keeping track.  I will need to put gas in my car too.  Oh yeah, and while I am making the laundry list, my daughter committed us to a list of things for her Angel Tree at school that are naturally do Friday morning, so they need to get bought tonight, right after I get my lip waxed.

8.  I need to be sure to be home and happy and ready to get my kids out of bed by 6 am Friday morning so that they can get to school on time.  And when I enter the kitchen Friday morning, I need to be rested enought that when the pizza trash, dishes, and 49 other things are scattered about I won’t flip a gasket.

9.  Somehow, by 5:30 pm, I need to be calm, rested, attractive, witty, relaxed, ready to laugh at his jokes, and act as if organizing myself for a date is the easiest thing in the world, and we should definitley do it more often!

10.  Luckily, I shaved my legs and plucked my eyebrows last night, or that detail to remember tomorrow morning would throw the whole thing off. 

The result is, I will be way too exhausted to even THINK about another date for at least 10 days, which eliminates the shuttle launch concept.  If I cannot see him more than once every 2 weeks, how can I possibly build a relationship?!  After he asked me out, rather than replying to him “Yes, I can’t wait!”  I had to text my single mom friend Sara to give me a pep talk so that I could do the enormous amount of logistical line-ups to have 6 frigging hours free.