Monthly Archives: January 2012

Like a Moth, Going Towards the Light

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Here is the latest:

I decided last night that I need and want, deserve, and am going to have a man that will protect me and cherish me.  It made me cry just thinking that would be possible…  So I have been fantasizing and calling in a cute man who looks and acts pretty much like a fireman- you know how sexy those guys are! : ) and that feels really good.  I am definitely praying a lot about it, talking it all over with God and letting him know I am ready for “my fireman” to arrive.

 In the meantime, I have had all these wonderful, yet unavailable (a.k.a. married) men give me kindness and warmth- the cable guy was so sweet with his follow-up and re follow-up on cable issues I was having; a coworker gave me an apology card after being pissy and belligerent with me during a meeting; another coworker has been laughing and joking with me about the difficulty of our project these days, sharing inside jokes and hilarious puns with me on it; the youth director awarded my daughter a really robust scholarship to go on the Church ski trip this weekend; an old friend is keeping me company on text, encouraging me and offering sweet support and kindness; and another coworker has been tirelessly and cheerfully helping me with some really boring aspects of the project.

 I am experiencing sweet men in my life, and it is reminding me that there really are some very good ones out there!

 CG (who has been re-named Goober, becasue he is not a Cute Guy after all- I don’t care how much turmoil you have in your life, it is not ok to start a fling iwth a single mom colleague who clearly has other ideas about you…) has been out of the office for the last 2 days, working from home.  Goober is in today.  I happen to be wearing a really cute sweater dress that looks pretty good on me.  (I am calling that Fireman in!!!)  Goober passed by an office where I was talking with someone and I saw him take in the whole view with a cold eye.  I am focusing completely on that Fireman, and attempting to not care less what Goober thinks, what Goober says, or what Goober does.  Goober-Man is not about protecting and cherishing me.

 Instead, I am channeling, growing, feeling, God’s love and infinite care for me.  And I have received 3 (!) really fun invitations from women friends for this weekend!  So, onward and upward, toward the Light.  I will let you know what happens next.Image

Pity Party 2- 2012 Will Be Better?

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I don’t know any other title to use, and I want to be sure to cut out the riff-raff that will be disturbed reading this anyway.  I am not in a good place, but I am in such a better place than I was a week ago, or 2 weeks ago.  So that is progress, right?

The dishes are done, the trash is not gone, but collected in the corner, anyway.  The Christmas ornaments are on their way to the basement, slowly but surely.  And I am glad to have lived through this holiday.  Please don’t tell my kids this, because they think it was great.  But it sucked for me.  I have done my best to show up for everyone the way that they needed me to, and I have also been taking care not to ruin relationships with my bad moods.  This is my 7th Christmas since my divorce, and no easier to get through.  

It is the 1st of January, and I want new things for this year.  It was a brutal year of hard lessons and really quite exhausting.

Three times I entered into relationships in 2011, with hopes and dreams of a partnership for my heart.  The last one died yesterday- the one with CG that I had so much hope for, and treated with so much more trust and faith than any other.  Well guess what- he was seeing someone else the whole time!  So just as I was getting ready to trust him, share more of me, and ready to take the next step, the rug got pulled out from under me. I am struggling to learn the lesson- it sure seems like I really have no business in relationships, because I am so naive.

My son entered high school and all the temptations that go with it.  He and I are really struggling with this new influence on his life.  I can’t keep up with all the checking and talking and freedoms and consequences that I am in charge of for this young man whom I love very much and have a limited influence on now.

I bought my own house and moved.  I didn’t realize what a grueling process it would be.  I am not sure if I would have done it if I had known.  No movers, just friends, and our teenage kids really aren’t’ as helpful as we would like to think they are (just check the bathroom floor, the kitchen sink, the laundry piled up, etc.).  So the move in November really highlighted that It Really Is Just Me steering this ship of single parenting my 2 kids full time. I am still exhausted, and only unpacking 1 box every now and then.

My parents and sister visited for Christmas.  They had their own agendas, none of which involved asking what me or my kids wanted to do.  I was the human chew toy.  Every time I walked in the door there was a request for me to pay attention to someone.  I would be in the middle of fixing the TV when someone would request I show them how to turn on the computer, or clean out my garage with them.  My sister stayed too long- 2 weeks!  I was terrified that I would say something that I was thinking and ruin our relationship for good.  My mom came and did the  cooking and dishes for 5 days and that was heavenly.

I really have not felt this lonely in a very long time.  I know I need to reach out to friends, try the things that I enjoy again, go running, read some inspirational books, do some service work, pray, and ask for help.  But brushing my teeth is a major struggle this weekend.  The bottom line is feeling unlovable, despite being surrounded by people who are supposed to love me for the week. The solution to that is to love myself- if I cannot love me, then no one else can either.  I am trying…

2012 will be better, right?