Monthly Archives: February 2012

Mind Over Matter

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Wow-Wow-Wow.  I went to the best lecture last night, I bought the CD too, was so impressed with what he was teaching us.  I really recommend you watch this video.  Have you seen “What the Bleep” movie?  He was on it, and works on brain chemistry and emotions and our reality.  This is such interesting stuff.  

He teaches mind over matter, basically. And that we can and often are, held hostage by our past emotions from experiences that may have occurred 20 years ago (for me, it is 14 years ago, as well as last year, last week, etc.).  I am really excited to change my reality by changing my brain chemistry by changing my thoughts patterns.  I love a good science lecture, and anything that helps me feel empowered.  He does both!  So tra la!  

Here is a youtube video, and there are a bunch more online.  Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzaHWSx1vWU&feature=related

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Daily Bread

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God gives us our Daily Bread. I was bummed yesterday and pulled out all the stops, cried, wailed, journaled, blogged, all that. And now, that river has passed and I am counting all the ways that God has given me my Daily Bread, and has had my back. Yes, I know… you were right after all. Go ahead and gloat.

Life is full of sadness and disappointments. Nobody ever said life would be easy, if you are a Christian, a Hindu, a Buddhist, or an atheist, or whatever, life will hit us all (really really hard) every now and then. It is not for the faint of heart. So we get hit, we feel it, we talk about it, we learn the lesson, and we get back up.

I am celebrating all the love in the world today that is available when we look for it:

-I got to hold a 2-month old little baby named Annie today.
-My daughter put a bouquet of flowers and a note on the bathroom mirror last night for me to see first thing.
-I got to hug an older lady friend today and tell her I had been looking forward to that hug.
-Two women I snowboarded with on Sunday posted fun photos of us on facebook and called me a “Badass Boarder” (they are -10-15 years younger than me, and I got to show them the fun powder and give them a few tips…haha).
-My son gave me a huge hug this morning and looked me in the eye (he had to look down, cuz he is taller than me now) when he said “You are awesome, thanks Mom, I love you”.
-A friend gave me a piece of chocolate cake and a red rose this morning.

I got a heartfelt apology from Goober yesterday. I have stopped playing the victim, and remember that I am strong, courageous, and I held my boundary. I am learning and growing and I did really good work, breaking up with him. I needed it and maybe he did too, that is not for me to decide. I am celebrating the fact that I broke out of my old habit of taking the crumbs of love and am now celebrating with the entire cake.

God does have our back, and is giving us our daily bread of love. I just don’t always notice it in the moment. I hope your Valentine’s Day is awesome and you feel all the love surrounding you!

Left Foot, Right Foot, Left Foot, Breathe

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The title of this blog is from advice I found in Anne Lamotte’s book “Plan B and Further Thoughts on Faith”. She got the advice from a friend named Tom when she was sad and frustrated and over the top with gunk raining down on her. It is really all we can do: put footsteps and time between us and anything that is terribly disappointing.

I don’t know why we sometimes think we can no longer “handle it”, that this is “the last straw”. Because it isn’t. We do end up getting out of bed, limping into the bathroom, doing the teeth-hair-clothes bit and getting out the door. Eventually.

This morning I had to have a good wail. I was pissed. And sad. I ended up, at the very bottom of it, mad at God. You see, I had asked very specifically for God to take care of me, protect me, and told God I knew he had my back, that he takes care of my kids when I am not looking, took care that my house purchase went through ok, takes care of my finances, and so I told God over the last months/years/decade (that REALLY pissed me off at God, that I have been asking for a decade now?!) that I know he has the perfect divinely right partner in mind for me and is preparing me for him. And preparing the dude for me. Today, it doesn’t seem that way… I am feeling like I am actually out in the cold on this companion bit, and God could care less if I find or have this companion in my life. Wow. That feels harsh. It feels possible.

But God- what else am I supposed to think? How else could/should I interpret this mess?

I heard in Alanon (the 12-step group for families and friends of alcoholics, which means they have a bunch of slogans too) that “Figuring it out is not a slogan”. So I don’t get to know God’s plan, I have to step out again in blind faith; walk by faith and not by sight. Damn it.

Left foot, right foot, left foot yet again, breathe. I thought my plan was pretty good, but I guess he has a different one.

The Moth got Taken in, but She is in Recovery Now

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That sweater dress may have been a really bad idea. Goober ended up contacting me, complimenting me (my weakness), and we had a beer to talk over the status of our relationship. I clearly told him I only date one person at a time, and was not interested in dating him if he was dating someone else. “I don’t share” I clearly said about 3 times. He told me he didn’t want to date more than one person either, and really wanted to date me. I told him I want exclusive, he mumbled “yes”, and off we went, having an awesome time with each other… For a very nice 4 weeks. I asked him yesterday early morning “What are we doing this weekend? Wanna ski?”, and he said he is going out of town (do you hear the bells in the distance? see a little flag on the horizon?).

I asked “Where?” thinking maybe (hopefully) he was going on a ski trip with buddies. He said “Getting out of Dodge”. I asked “With who?”. “A friend”. I flew out of his bedroom, down the stairs, and into my shoes practically flapping my arms as I gathered my purse and coat. Alarms were ringing everywhere. He asked if I wanted coffee, why was I leaving so fast? (I don’t drink coffee, WTH is he thinking?) My hand on the doorknob, I turned to him and asked “Is it a friend, or a friend-friend?” (I had no idea what that distinction was, or which answer was correct) He said ” A friend”. By now, bells are clanging inSIDE my head, panic is in my mouth, and I ran out of the house, into my car and out of his driveway as fast as I could get out of there… What would you have done?

I called him from my car and was able to calmly and clearly confirm that he was going out of town with a woman, that he had misled me, he knew what I wanted and expected, and yet was confused, and and and. I clearly told him that dating more than one person is confusing to me, and dating someone who is dating more than one person at a time confuses me. I clearly told him how happy I was that he had not spent any more time with my children, as they and I clearly thought we had more going on than we did. I explained that raising my 2 teenagers alone and doing my job takes enough energy that I am not interested in adding in any confusing or jealous energy to that equation. “So it doesn’t have to be completely over, we can still be friends” he tried to convince me. I admitted that I had only slept about 2 hours the night before and probably should not make any decisions about that. Then I said “I will let you go now” and said goodbye. 15 minutes is what my cell phone said about our conversation.

I keep expecting to feel awful and rejected. But I also keep reminding myself that I made this choice, that I wasn’t being rejected, and that I broke things off with him. Mary pointed out that I made this healthy choice for me, and now I am ready to accept what I REALLY want. Sara told me he is not offering me anything I am interested in. Liz said it was pitiful that a 50 year old man couldn’t figure it out and have a little more humility. Mark said that he definitely wants me in his life, but his rules don’t mesh with mine. Another Mark would say Life and love are not for the weak. So I am getting a ton of support.

Here is what else I am doing:

I am congratulating myself on making a courageous decison that was not easy, but will help bring the man who wants to be exclusive to me. These decisions to love ourselves and not accept unacceptable behavior are difficult. But our hearts and our children need us to make them anyway… And, they bring us closer to God’s plan for us.

I am listening to sermons about God bringing light and purpose to our lives, sticking with us through thick and thin, and loving us no matter what happens by my friend Mark whose wife is suffering from a debilitating illness that is tearing apart his college sweetheart’s mental stability and his family. This illness will take her over the course of decades, and yet he can deliver these hopeful and faithful sermons about the depth of God’s love for us. I just heard him say “God is in the darkness, God is in the Light, and in the Fear. He is in the unexpected places of our lives”. Let me know if you want a link to these sermons.

I am envisioning a beautiful bouquet of flowers inside of me- with lots of light blue delphiniums, yellow sunflowers, pink wild roses, red Indian paintbrush, orange globemallows, and many more. This bouquet is gorgeous; it is springing into bloom, with little buds and bursting petals. Raining down on this bouquet is God’s golden Light, filling up my arms, legs, shoulders, and fingernails even, with this radiant Light that gives me energy, love, and blessings. When I get anxious, I focus on the exact flower species…

I am praying a lot and asking God to hold my hand and hug me through all of this, to lead me and give me wisdom, help me to learn from this, and oh yeah, if it is your will God, bring me my divine right partner- the one with the big heart and nice biceps too.

Somehow, this morning, I was able to be present with my children at breakfast, was the kind thoughtful mom I want to be, rather than the depressed, sad, immobilized mom I was afraid would show up this morning.

The rage and argument in my head against Goober and his actions has quieted down. I am not cussing him out in my mind as often as I did yesterday when he had the stupidity to come by my office to ask a work question. Glimpsing him in the office anhour ago was NOT heartbreaking. I would rather be writing a blog to you about how my boyfriend has surprized me with amazing plans for Valentine’s Day. But that is not the case. Instead, I am sharing with you how I fell into the sun, but am surviving big disappointment.

We are all bouquets of buds and blooms. Let’s make the tough decisions and let the Light in. I hope to write again soon, to let you know this spiralling upward has continued.

Like a Moth, Going Towards the Light

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Here is the latest:

I decided last night that I need and want, deserve, and am going to have a man that will protect me and cherish me.  It made me cry just thinking that would be possible…  So I have been fantasizing and calling in a cute man who looks and acts pretty much like a fireman- you know how sexy those guys are! : ) and that feels really good.  I am definitely praying a lot about it, talking it all over with God and letting him know I am ready for “my fireman” to arrive.

 In the meantime, I have had all these wonderful, yet unavailable (a.k.a. married) men give me kindness and warmth- the cable guy was so sweet with his follow-up and re follow-up on cable issues I was having; a coworker gave me an apology card after being pissy and belligerent with me during a meeting; another coworker has been laughing and joking with me about the difficulty of our project these days, sharing inside jokes and hilarious puns with me on it; the youth director awarded my daughter a really robust scholarship to go on the Church ski trip this weekend; an old friend is keeping me company on text, encouraging me and offering sweet support and kindness; and another coworker has been tirelessly and cheerfully helping me with some really boring aspects of the project.

 I am experiencing sweet men in my life, and it is reminding me that there really are some very good ones out there!

 CG (who has been re-named Goober, becasue he is not a Cute Guy after all- I don’t care how much turmoil you have in your life, it is not ok to start a fling iwth a single mom colleague who clearly has other ideas about you…) has been out of the office for the last 2 days, working from home.  Goober is in today.  I happen to be wearing a really cute sweater dress that looks pretty good on me.  (I am calling that Fireman in!!!)  Goober passed by an office where I was talking with someone and I saw him take in the whole view with a cold eye.  I am focusing completely on that Fireman, and attempting to not care less what Goober thinks, what Goober says, or what Goober does.  Goober-Man is not about protecting and cherishing me.

 Instead, I am channeling, growing, feeling, God’s love and infinite care for me.  And I have received 3 (!) really fun invitations from women friends for this weekend!  So, onward and upward, toward the Light.  I will let you know what happens next.Image