Tag Archives: romance

Update on the Tortoise Lovepath

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For those of you who have not been with me for the last year, I will do a re-cap:
June 2011– Girl realizes she works with a Cute Guy when he makes (unnecessary and silly)conversation on Facebook and in office with her. She sees definite potential (he is smart, has a job, is a good Dad, has similar background and… he likes to ski)
July– Girl encourages Cute Guy to see what his reactions would be (she smiles a lot, stops to talk in the hallway, laughs at his jokes)
August– Cute Guy pursues friendship with Girl (flirts at group gatherings, encouraging her to try the hot-hot tomatillo salsa…)
SeptemberGirl sees potential, and encourages super-slowly, shares hiking and wine (no kissing or hugging, but suggests get-togethers and responds to playful texts)
October– Cute Guy (CG) and Girl continue to hang out as friends, and definite chemistry increases (beer induces kissing)
November– Girl realizes she really likes CG, more develops super-slowly (longer dates, more kissing, lots of alone-time and romance for sure, still no dancing between the sheets tho)
December– Girl and CG ski together, shop together, eat together, LOTS of chemistry, then bomb drops (he is seeing someone else) Girl tells CG no more dates 2 days before Christmas. Tough holiday.

January 2012
– Girl is super sad, tells CG she only dates one guy at a time and won’t be playing any more. Too late for friendship. She dates other guys, changes hair, buys new clothes. Bu-bye CG. CG comes back, says he wants what she wants (Exclusive Partnership). Dating resumes. Still on the down low at work. Meet kids, ski weekends, etc. Feels pretty good.
February– Cute Guy acts like a goober, a very ugly guy, and spends Valentines Day weekend with old GF. Girl stops talking to CG, won’t acknowledge him, and avoids him completely. Returns all books, shared items, deletes all voice mails, phone number, texts, etc. Doesn’t return phone calls or texts. Moves on with life. Tough holiday.
Late February- CG explains himself in a 3 hour phone call. Girl explains herself. Lots of long phone calls (also with girlfriend Liz and friend Mark, trying to decipher what kind of a boy-brain pulls that shit and if he is worth any trouble)
March– Girl decides to give Cute Guy another chance. Reads him a list of her intentions for her life and looks him in the eye this time, giving him time to respond and taking time to digest his responses. Cute Guy steps up.
April– Girls gets surgery, Cute Guy steps up again and stays with her and her kids for 5 days cooking, cleaning, schlepping.
May– Cute Guy steps up again and plans to take her to meet family on vacation. Feels GREAT.
June– Girl takes family vacation with Cute Guy and his son. He steps up again bigger introducing her to lots of family. She encoruages him, introduces him to her family.
July– Girl runs half marathon, CG steps up again (begins his tradition of driving her to race starts and meeting her at finish line).
August- CG steps up on ladders and helps Girl with home projects.
September- Girl says she cannot imagine falling in love with a man who smokes cigarettes, CG quits smoking within 5 days. Girl encourages CG big time.

October- So here we are, and I adore this man. He adores me. We share a lot, and have mutual goals and aspirations. But even better, we allow each other’s integrity and individuality to shine through the relationship. I respect his time with his son, his work aspirations, and his train set. He respects my running, my work, and most importantly my motherhood drive. We are still finding out about each other. He has a blog that I have never seen, says it is about cooking? (he won’t see this one for a long long time!). We love to ski together, work out together, encourage each other to pursue our independent passions (i.e. he doesn’t have to run. I don’t have to do trains, meteorology, woodworking or compost until I am good and ready.) I was intensely jealous of other gf’s relationships going swiftly to love and 24-hour dates after 3 weeks, but kept my slow and steady tortoise pace. I waited 6 months to sleep with this man, and it was more than worth the wait. We are committed exclusive partners to each other. We have plans to make things official after our kids are more settled in their lives (out of high school).

He may have come in to my life to help me learn and express just how important the “Exclusive Partnership” is to me. I held my ground, yet forgave him when he messed up because he came back truly communicating that he was ready.

Now, I have loved this man for a long time, but I have not told him… So the tortoise lives on!

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Love – The Terror of It

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“True Love is one of the rarest jewels of life, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment – there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You’ve found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward.”

– Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

pol·y·math   [pol-ee-math]
noun
a person of great learning in several fields of study; polyhistor.

Ok, so the quote above was written by a man of great learning in several fields of study- a very smart cookie. I love this quote! Love is terrifying! So I would add that it requires courage added upon our relationships on a daily basis.

Truly loving ourselves requires courage to stand up for the person and her ideals, even when we really aren’t so sure about how she will be received by the world.

Loving our teenagers means we have to step up to the plate and stand up for what we believe in (our rules, our boundaries, our behavioral expectations), and who we believe in (the cute pimply kid in front of me who just got busted for breaking the rules, again). It takes guts to show up every day as a single parent, ready to step in when needed, to discern when we can butt out, and to have faith that we are enough and what we have done is enough. With no back-up, no cheering section, and no partner.

For me, loving my lover means I need to show up, let my ego take a break, and throw that oh-so-ugly-fear of abandonment out the window.

Some days, the courage needed to truly love me, my teens, and my lover is elusive, I really want to back down, accept, and burrow in to the fear, let it take me over. I think that I am not worthy, that I just can’t do it…I don’t have the energy needed. Ha!

Guess what? I can do it! And you can too. So keep on stepping up to the plate, keep showing up, keep on setting aside your fears, and give the ego a shove-off. You are vulnerable, you may be abandoned, and the real you might not be compatible with your lover after all. But today, in this moment, you know what you know. So do this one step you know right now. Be present. Be vulnerable. Be Truthful. God and the Universe are on your side. Ask for their help!

What would it be like to live this day believing that we are truly blessed, protected, and guided? I have that written on my mirror with stars and underlines, because I tend to forget that, even though it really is kinda important…

Let’s get out there and love, truly love, you, your children, your lover, and your life. You are truly blessed, protected, and guided.

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Pity Party Invite for You

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I haven’t written a post in forever: moved, got busy at work, the computer at home is moved, can’t find my socks yet, etc.  But this post by Soon to be Divorced Dad inspired me:  (I don’t know yet how to link, and need to find my socks and my extra checks before I learn…)http://fourisafamily.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/would-you-like-to-come-to-my-pity-party-part-2-of-2

This is a party I have been at for a long time, hogging the dance floor and spinach dip, so I thought I would invite you to come along as well!

I am just trying to go on a date with CG tomorrow night.  But in order to do so, I have to organize my and 4 others’ lives down to the level of synchronicity you would think it were a space shuttle launch (no, we are not having sex yet.  So you can drop the analogy there) .

1.  In order for me to be available by Thursday at 5:30 pm as requested, I need to get my work done for the day at a reasonable time, and be sure to eat lunch so that I am not a frantic wreck by 8:15 pm (that is what happened the 1st time we went out, I skipped lunch and was a basket case).

2.  I need to be sure that my 14-yr old daughter does her homework after school, so that she is available to go to a band concert with a friend for the evening.  That will involve a few phone calls and reminders tomorrow afternoon.

3.  I need to get my 15-year old son picked up from wrestling practice by 5:45 and procure dinner for him and my daughter.  You would think these kids are old enough to manage it themselves.  However, I assumed that once, and came home to 3 empty (jumbo) bags of Halloween candy disguised as dinner remains.  As SD said, they are large people, but teenagers seem to have the IQ of raisins when it comes to eating healthy, going to bed rather than staying on Facebook until the sun rises, cleaning up after themselves, doing homework, etc. without incredible oversight (preferably by deaf people who cannot hear their sighs, mutters, and moans of not being able to fit another dish in the dishwasher). And now(!) my sweet girl has this fetish with the TV show Criminal Minds- a disgusting show about demented crimes that she has been told 59 times not to watch without me in the room.  So that needs monitoring as well.

4.  So- I will order pizza to be delivered and pay for it ahead of time with my credit card.  I have a Algebra tutoring appointment for my son from 7-9 pm.  So- the tutor needs to be able to pick him up and drop him off afterwards.  Then son needs to be motivated to do his OTHER homework, which doesn’t include Halo on his laptop- I need to remind ex-room mate to do that, somehow.   Dog needs to get fed and outside somehow so that he doesn’t knock over the trash can for the 17th time in the middle of the night.  Both kids will have my ex-room mate stay with them until they physically get into their beds and she turns the lights out before 10 pm. 

5. I need them all to *believe* I will be home “around midnight” so that I can just relax and stay as long as I want and they won’t think I am a trashy mom for perhaps spending the night there.

6.  I need to be sure to have the tutor payment arranged, as the tall boy with a riasin for his brain cannot be trusted to actually tender the check- I would more likely find it in the dryer next week.

7.  Of course, it is Christmas, and I need to be sure that I have the right credit card for pizza payment, bc I have not been keeping track.  I will need to put gas in my car too.  Oh yeah, and while I am making the laundry list, my daughter committed us to a list of things for her Angel Tree at school that are naturally do Friday morning, so they need to get bought tonight, right after I get my lip waxed.

8.  I need to be sure to be home and happy and ready to get my kids out of bed by 6 am Friday morning so that they can get to school on time.  And when I enter the kitchen Friday morning, I need to be rested enought that when the pizza trash, dishes, and 49 other things are scattered about I won’t flip a gasket.

9.  Somehow, by 5:30 pm, I need to be calm, rested, attractive, witty, relaxed, ready to laugh at his jokes, and act as if organizing myself for a date is the easiest thing in the world, and we should definitley do it more often!

10.  Luckily, I shaved my legs and plucked my eyebrows last night, or that detail to remember tomorrow morning would throw the whole thing off. 

The result is, I will be way too exhausted to even THINK about another date for at least 10 days, which eliminates the shuttle launch concept.  If I cannot see him more than once every 2 weeks, how can I possibly build a relationship?!  After he asked me out, rather than replying to him “Yes, I can’t wait!”  I had to text my single mom friend Sara to give me a pep talk so that I could do the enormous amount of logistical line-ups to have 6 frigging hours free.

My Favorite Way to Feel Better

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I wrote last week aobut my favorite things to feel better. I forgot this very important one…

I had an awesome blessing this morning. It really got me out of a potential funk about this weekend’s lack of romantic social plans: I was asked to do someone a favor- it was something that was really needed, and they couldn’t do it themselves. They were very brave to call and ask for it. A man I hardly know, who is recently divorced (he doesn’t know anything about me, and we usually only communicate by emails) called me to ask if his daughter could have a ride to school He lives near us, and I have given her carpools for cross country meets becaue he lost his car (and who knows what else) in his recent divorce. His sweet daughter is in 6th grade, and it was about 20 degrees and dark this morning at 7:15 when she needed a ride. I almost didn’t answer the phone when I saw it was him- I was rushing to work, having already dropped my kids off early, and had a bad morning harping on them about their chores and rooms. I was feeling badly about myself, as a mom and as a woman due to the lack of CG asking me out on a date. I had prayed about the lack of a date with CG, asked for some wisdom, and to do God’s will. I also point blank asked God to arrange a date… day before yesterday. Nothing happened.

Until this morning. I got to help someone get his daughter to school in the cold, to help him make life for his daugher as normal and stress free as possible (although I am not doing a great job of that with my own kids, I am glad I could help him). I got to remember what it was like to worry about how to get the kids to school. Six years ago, I was divorced, broke, unemployed, in a terrible relationship, and bankruptcy and foreclosures were in the works. I was in a mess and had a really hard time getting my kids to school myself. Today, I have had the same job for 5 years, my kids are making good choices and get to school every day, I bought a car in February, and I am in the process of buying a home for us in November.

I realized with that ride to school for her that I am blessed and don’t need more than I have right now. Yes, I want a companion, but God might have different plans for me this weekend.

(Also- maybe I am supposed to do something to help myself feel better, rather than look for a man’s interest in me to validate me. Just maybe!)

I Don’t Think Being a Spaz Counts as Flirting

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I don’t think being a spaz counts as flirting. But I don’t know how to do anything else today.

I have “sort of” a date with Cute Guy from the office today. We are “sort of” having lunch. A late lunch, because we both have kid duties after school, and the premise is a drink. But nothing solid is planned. So I “sort of” woke up at 4 am, wide-eyed, remembering immediately that I am supposed to be light, and carefree, and talk only of superficial soulful things, whatever the Hell that is. Sara told me yesterday that is best, and to be flirty and just “have fun”. “WHAT?!”

I have forgotten how to flirt. I am trying not to count the months since I last had a date, trying to remember that I am an attractive, smart, interesting woman with nice legs. But then I remember that I have to work 8 hours before this lunch, and I have a meeting at 1, so Spaz-Girl wonders if 2 or 2:30 counts as late lunch. We didn’t really plan a specific time or place or plan… There was more mumbling than planning.

Then the Crazy Girl steps in and says “Oh, he will probably blow you off anyway, so you better blow him off first”. Then Spaz Girl chimes in “Maybe you should go running right now? How about some caffeine? Is there any laundry to do? Does the dog need a bath? You have 2 hours until kids wake up. You could bake a pie”.

Zen girl steps up and says, “Maybe a little meditation? Read the Bible? Read that boring book about travelling in India and take a nap!”

Spaz Girl: “I could call SG, she was on Match for months and remembers how to date, except that she is a blog friend, and lives in Great Britain, maybe, I can’t really tell where she lives, actually I don’t even know her name, so I cannot call her. Maybe Struggling Dad could tell me what to wear today- something soft so he will touch my shoulder or back and like it and want to touch me more. But I of course have no idea where that blogger friend lives either. I think he is Australian? Oh my God, what if Cute Guy and I have nothing to say to each other and just stare like 2 deer caught in headlights?” Sandy is laughing now and wants to call me (call!).

Mark would be laughing too, telling me “You are fine, just enjoy, smile a lot, let him look into your pretty brown eyes”. All Spaz Girl can reply is, “Oh my God, I need a couple of drinks if you want me to make eye contact. How old am I? Way too old to act like this…” So Crazy Girl decided to write a blog, imagining your comments and answers. Melissa would quietly cheer me on. Liz would cheer me on very loudly, with LOTS OF CAPS, thankfully. Delia would send me some awesome energy. But, I am still hyperventilating, and you won’t read this until Saturday, when it is all over, because there is some mysterious lag time. It takes a day for things to show up in your subscription box.

“Agh” Crazy Girl insists I am alone, and stupid for doing this. I work in the same office with him. What if it is a disaster? Bhanu would insist nothing is a disaster; it is all a learning experience.

So many topics are off limits- nothing serious, Sara said… No divorce talk, no kid talk, no work talk, no politics talk, no religion talk, no energy talk, no money talk (ever, she claims), no boss talk. So what does that leave? Skiing, dogs, snow, and vacations (or does that qualify as money/work talk?)

I have to think positive, light, he is just a friend, I am enjoying adult company, we have a lot in common to talk about… So I will focus on breathing, pray that God will remind me how to flirt (If it is His will for me; Oh Crap- it better be His will!), run with the dog, focus on work, turn this over to God, and stay away from garlic and onions.

There better not be any kissing, hugging, or implications of it (although I have only been fantasizing about such). That would flip me out completely. It is 4:52 am, is it too early for a shot of vodka? (Just kidding. I know, “Don’t drink too much and say something stupid! Liz and SG would say”).

You are all going to have to come with me and hide in the bathroom.

Gamer?

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I have no idea if this is being a gamer or not… I am trying really really really hard not to care if things develop with The Cute Guy. He works in my office, so there is a down side-if it doesn’t work out, I would still see him around Cubetown. The upside is, wow- work is so much more interesting these days!

He came to visit my office the other day, was very chatty, and stayed longer than necessary. I liked it. I cannot decide if I want to visit his… I don’t even know where it is, and that is a nice comfy feeling, kind of keeping the spastic Needy Girl at arm’s length. But am I also keeping him at arm’s length if I don’t reciprocate?

Despite my advanced age, I am really terrible at this dance bit… and tend to become impatient if I make moves and he is less than speedy about his steps (“ask me out on a date, damn it! I already have my outfit picked out!”).

So for now, I am NOT going to cruise the halls looking for him. I am going to share my sparkle with everyone in the office, not just The Cute Guy. And you know I am praying about it, and asking for God’s help and wisdom… we get to share everything, right?!

Update?! There really isn’t one…

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I have not written much lately… My mind just kind of went foggy and gray when I would think it was time to write a blog entry.

Life has been good to me… I ran that fun race last weekend, went to a happy hour the night before with The Cute Guy in attendance, have been really in tune with my teenagers, and have been able to focus on work.

I am being patient with my love life… I usually remember that God has a great plan for me, something I could never drum up for myself, and I even cooked dinner the last 2 nights, in a row! (Don’t ask about tonight, I have no ideas or inspiration yet)

I am enjoying new an old friendships… with women mainly, but a man or two has also entered the scene.

I have 2 new necklaces that I like to plan outfits for work around. It actually helps me get to the office these days, to wear my new necklaces. I may be late, but boy, I look good!

Is my life getting complacent? Am I becoming thoroughly boring as a contented person with nothing to rant and rave about in my blogs?!? I honestly don’t know what to tell you today…